Monday, November 27, 2017

It All Makes Sense: One Day, You'll Meet a Man...

Dear 16-Year-Old Shannon,

Bad Boy Entertainment won't be around for much longer. In fact, Puffy won't be Puffy anymore. He'll become P. Diddy. Then he'll become Diddy. In 2017 he'll become Brother Love. (What? What's the face for?)

Beyonce will leave Destiny's Child and become a singer/rapper. (What? In 2017 it happens all the time.) Oh, and she'll marry Jay-Z. (What? There's someone out there for everyone.) Speaking of that...

You'll marry a guy named Marc, and you'll meet him in your college library. (Yes, you ARE going to college. You better cut it out.) Oh, and you'll name a leading character in one of your books after him. (Oh, I didn't mention that you'll become an indie author?)

Yep. You'll live a GRAND life between the ages of 17 and 35, so much so, you'll have to write about it. It'll be filled with caviar in New Jersey and lobsters in New England. You'll eat cheeseburgers in Compton and Chicken and Waffles in Long Beach. (Yes, Snoop Dogg is from there, but no you won't be killed.) (Actually, Snoop Dogg becomes a changed man. In 2017, he and Martha Stewart star in their own cooking show.) (Oh relax, gangster rap is going out of style soon. Rappers are all wearing silk blouses now.)

Back to your guy... Your husband will be the TOTAL opposite of you: he'll come from a place called 'the hood'. He'll know rap songs, even the ones that AREN'T on the radio. He'll be cool and tall (6'7") (I know, right!) and he'll have this really neat job that takes you and him around the country every week. Did you hear me? A different city every week.

And that's what inspires the book. (What book?) What If You're Over My Sh*t? You see, as much fun as you two will have, you'll get on his f*cking nerves acting like, well, Shannon.

But that's not the point. The book is the point. What If You're Over My Sh*t? is the point of it all. Trust me. Keep living and then write the book.

Love,
35-Year-Old Shannon

Pre-order What If You're Over My Sh*t? Here!

Why Are We Afraid To Have It ALL?