Saturday, December 2, 2017

It All Makes Sense: Dear Santa, I Prefer Coal In My Stockings (I Can Buy My Own Diamonds)

Women read love stories that involve at least four characters: The main chick, the side chick, the sexually attractive man, the sexually attractive man the main chick is not attracted to. These characters are, of course, derived from your standard children's fairy tale.

The typical characters of a children's fairy tale include Good Girl, Prince Charming, and Wicked Woman. In the standard fairy tale:

Good Girl typically has the following attributes:
1. She isn't a homeowner. She lives with someone else: Family or other men. Usually, rent-free.
2. She's a good singer.
3. She's a Liberal. This is why animals love and talk to her.
4. She wears pink lipstick.
5. She's the homecoming queen; everyone loves her.

I hate Good Girl. Who would want someone like this? I mean, really? Especially when Prince Charming has the following attributes:
1. He's an asshole.
2. He not only owns a home but usually, the mortgage is paid off.
3. He owns his own mode of transportation and usually operates it at dangerous speeds. (Darting around on horses; high-speed horse and carriage chases.)
4. He's a Republican. Nature and animals usually have an attitude with him.
5. He dresses in business or ball attire.

And then you have Wicked Woman:
1. She paid for her home in cash, and it's bigger than Prince Charming's.
2. She's a Moderate Democrat: She talks to animals and interacts with nature, but they're not singing and dancing around together.
3. She owns her own mode of transportation, and she tends to have a driver.
4. She's crafty. She manages to get what she wants for YEARS before people begin to catch on.
5. She wears red lipstick.
6. She always has a manicure.

I may not be a fan of Good Girl but I go goo-goo-ga-ga over Wicked Woman. For some reason, it's Wicked Woman's story that I'm most interested in. Because, in reality as opposed to fairytales, she's the one Prince Charming falls for.

And doesn't that love story sound so much better?

Shannon


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